Katsuke

Warning: this topic may not be relevant or comfortable for men.

I was again reading a topic of conversation on the internet about whether or not to breastfeed their soon-to-be-born little ones and the general consensus was “it’s hard at first, but it gets better,” and, “it’s one of the most bonding activities.” I am a firm believer in the “breast is best” side of things, but I realize just how bad everything went for me when all I want to tell people is that it can be the most stressful, painful, awful part of having a baby.

Especially the “it gets better” line. I know it normally does, I remember talking to someone with an 8-10 month old when the munchkin was about 3-4 months and remarking on how they got their kiddo to stay still. At that point I got hope, just a few more months and I won’t be pinning the baby down… a few more months and I wouldn’t need to go sit in public restrooms to nurse because of the constant battle. For a kiddo like mine, it only got worse as she became stronger and could fight harder. Part of what kept me going was the knowledge that the mommy has to win everything! Remember, if you are fighting battles it may seem horribly difficult in the here and now, but it is worth more than you can possibly imagine if you win.

I really admire the people who can keep breastfeeding for two years, that’s a lot of dedication, but I thank my lucky stars almost every day that child-led weaning worked in my favor and that she decided she was done at 13 months.

I’m not writing this to scare people or to play a pity party, mostly just in the off-chance that someone going through the same thing I did will find it. I remember searching the internet for hours trying to find someone who dealt with the same problems, someone who, though I’d never talk to them, would be fellow soldiers on the same battlefront. And you know what, I never found anyone. For a long time I felt like no matter what I did right, who’s great advice I followed, I must be a total failure because it always failed. Now that the little missy is older I can see in hindsight that it’s just her personality and she honestly doesn’t seem to like the taste of breastmilk. I can see now how I didn’t fail because it wasn’t a matter of right way vs. wrong way, it was a matter of what she wanted vs what she was physically capable of.

I know to people who didn’t have such a hard time this may seem weird, but I know if I had found this 10 months ago it would have been one of the most comforting things ever. So as much as a stretch it may be, I hope this helps someone out there in the vast nothingness of the internets.